A Problem for a Male Pharmacist

A man walks into a pharmacy and goes to the counter. Standing behind the counter is a young woman.

"May I speak to the pharmacist?" he asks. "Well," she replies, "I am the pharmacist."

He looks very uncomfortable, and asks for a *male* pharmacist, as he has a "male problem."

She informs him that only she and her sister work at this particular establishment.

He blushes and says, "Well, I really do need help, so I guess I'll ask you... I have a problem. I have a constant erection, and nothing I do seems to get rid of it. It's been like this for three months now. Can you give me anything for it?"

The woman looks thoughtful, and says, "Hold on, I'll go in back and ask my sister."

After a couple of minutes she returns and says, "We'll give you half of the business and it's profits, but that's all we can give you for it..."

Second greatest pain in my life

One day, a man walked into the dentist"s office for some dental work.

The dentist said, "Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer would you like?"

The man looked at the dentist and said, "None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life."

The dentist said, "Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller." The man looked back at the dentist and said, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare."

The dentist said, "Sir, I"m telling you, use a painkiller."

The man again said to the dentist, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth."

The dentist then said, "Okay, You asked for it, But first, tell me what was the second greatest pain in your life?"

The man said, "Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part dropped, It set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on my balls. That was the second greatest pain in my life"

The dentist then said, "Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in your life?"

The man replied, "When I reached the end of the chain."

If you get caught sleeping on the job, here's some quick excuses!

It's okay...I'm still billing the client.

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the
last time-management course you sent me to.

I was working smarter, not harder.

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !

I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance

I'm in the management training program

Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

The coffee machine is broke....

Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!

It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?

I was cross-training for telecommuting.

Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.

The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

I thought you(boss) were gone for the day.

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis will probably have to be amputated.

The patient then goes to another doctor, who also doesn't know anything about this disease, but thinks the amputation is indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decides to go to a Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V.D.

Indeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says, "I know this disease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Don't do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself!"

Zen Buddhist Monk

This Zen Buddhist Monk walks up to a hotdog stand?and says tothe vender, "Give me one with everything". So the vender makes him a hotdog with everything, hands it to the Buddhist Monk. The Buddhist gives him a twenty dollar bill, the vender takesit, puts it in his cash register and shuts the door.

The Buddhist says, "Wait, where's my change?"

The vender replies, "Change must come from within".

Ways to die

These two guys were talking how they wanted to die. One said he wanted to die in his sleep so he wouldn't have any pain.

The other said he wanted to die like a rat.

His friend said, "How's that?"
He said, "I wanna jump in bed and let that pussy eat me up."

Work Lingo

Employer's Lingo:

"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.


Employee's Lingo:

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE" I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK" I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL" I carry a Day-Timer.

"I AM ADAPTABLE" I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO" I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

Common Cold Remedy

A remedy for the common cold suggested by Dr. Richard Gordon, from the "Atlantic Monthly":

At the first sign of a cold, go to bed with a bottle of whiskey and a hat. Place the hat on the left-hand bedpost. Take a drink of whiskey and move the hat to the right-hand bedpost. Take another drink and shift the hat back again. Continue this until you drink the whiskey but fail to move the hat.

Nervous Groom

The best man explained exactly what to do, but the groom still lacked confidence, so he asked the best man to wait outside the hotel's bridal suite and prompt him if he got into trouble. The best man agreed.
When the bride and groom were in the bridal suite, the groom decided to get changed in the bathroom first, but got so nervous he couldn't bring himself to come out. His bride knew he was nervous and didn't want to get him any more upset than he already was, so, when she got an uncontrollable urge to go to the bathroom, she looked around the bedroom for something to use, so as not to disturb her husband. She emptied the shoebox that her bridal slippers came in, "relived herself" in it and hid it under the bed.

The groom finally came out and his wife went into the bathroom to change. Now she got the wedding night jitters and procrastinated about coming out. The groom understood her dilemma and waited patiently. As time wore on, he entertained himself by inspecting everything in the room, and came upon the shoebox. He was so surprised that he yelled out to his wife, "Honey, there's crap in your box!"

At that, he heard the best man call out, "For goodness sake, turn her over!"