Nervous Groom

The best man explained exactly what to do, but the groom still lacked confidence, so he asked the best man to wait outside the hotel's bridal suite and prompt him if he got into trouble. The best man agreed.
When the bride and groom were in the bridal suite, the groom decided to get changed in the bathroom first, but got so nervous he couldn't bring himself to come out. His bride knew he was nervous and didn't want to get him any more upset than he already was, so, when she got an uncontrollable urge to go to the bathroom, she looked around the bedroom for something to use, so as not to disturb her husband. She emptied the shoebox that her bridal slippers came in, "relived herself" in it and hid it under the bed.

The groom finally came out and his wife went into the bathroom to change. Now she got the wedding night jitters and procrastinated about coming out. The groom understood her dilemma and waited patiently. As time wore on, he entertained himself by inspecting everything in the room, and came upon the shoebox. He was so surprised that he yelled out to his wife, "Honey, there's crap in your box!"

At that, he heard the best man call out, "For goodness sake, turn her over!"

The Blizzard

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "And I'm afraid that the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they were on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being discovered. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her yours?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

You thought the ending would be different, didn't you?

On Trial

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop or gum) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room, until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around, asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you are calling just as he or she answers.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Lost Golf Ball

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," says the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

Hans Olaffsen

This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated by all the Chinese restaurants, the Chinese shops, and the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking around, when he turns a corner and sees a building with a sign that reads "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?" So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The visitor asks, "Well, who the heck is the owner?"

"I am he," answers the old man.

"You? How the heck did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blond Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Hans Olaffsen.' She look at me and ask, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting'."

Guess The Instructions

Read these 10 instructions and then scroll down... no cheating!
1- Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder-width apart.
2- Form a loose grip.
3- Keep your head down.
4- Avoid a quick backswing.
5- Stay out of the water.
6- Try not to hit anyone.
7- If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8- Don't stand directly in front of others.
9- Please be quiet while others are preparing to go.
10- Don't take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

From a sign posted at a local golf course restroom.

Most Famous Person

One day, a kindergarten teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know, Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised that you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"

Blind Pilots

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get underway.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately at the flight attendants for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief, turns to the captain and says, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"

What is important to man?

1- It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2- It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3- It is important to find a woman that enjoys having sex.

4- It is important that these three women never meet.

Octogenarian Golfer

An Octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course.
He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need a handicap as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well.
Coming onto the 18th the old man had a long drive, but it landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap he hit a very high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing. He said, "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"
Replied the Octogenarian, "I do! Please give me a hand."